I had no idea the last time I posted was February 2013. I knew it had been a while but, wow. That's over a year. And just as in my last post, here I am awake in the wee small hours of the morning, because my sweet gal squawked (repeatedly) until I got up to check on her. And I can't go back to sleep. My brain is racing.
A whole year plus since posting?!
What the heck have I been doing?!
I suppose the shortest answer is: Being Vallyn's Mom.
That's it. That's "all".
I was going to be a great blogger, I told myself two years ago. I am going to document our lives together, for us to look back on and remember. And then - well, then LIFE happened.
Doctors appointments. Therapies. Sleep difficulties (both Vallyn and me). Fatigue. Laundry. Dishes and bottles. Feeding difficulties. Exhaustion. Some colds here and there. More appointments and evaluations. A hospital stay for Vallyn. The recovery from that. More laundry. Lots and lots of laundry. And dishes. And for the last 37 weeks, I have been blessed to be incubating Vallyn's baby brother, which has brought it's own 'excitement', and of course, more appointments.
I know there are moms who 'do it all' - work, raise children, make it to appointments, blog, put on real clothes and make up, and even bake. I don't know how the heck they do it. I applaud them and admire them, but I am not one of them. Perhaps I have crappy time management skills, or get bogged down in details, or have a touch of ADD, but this place often resembles a barnyard where chickens are running around with their heads cut off. (Mainly, it's just me who's the chicken - Vallyn just hangs out and is awesome.) Around here, the last two years have felt like an almost constant game of playing catch up. And at times they have been exhausting, tearful, and scary.
But they have also been the two most wonderful years of my life. The happiest. The most full of life, of real life and things that matter. And the most filled with love. And along the way, we have continued to look for and have been blessed to find and notice itty bitty and big miracles every day.
TWO YEARS? It has flown by and seemed like ages at the same time. How does that even happen? I don't know, maybe it's a quantum physics, time/space continuum thing. All I know is...my little girl is TWO.
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She had a wonderful birthday with friends and family and lots of bubbles and balloons and smiles and love. It was a fantastic day. She even blew a kiss to everyone with perfect timing at the end of the happy birthday song, all on her own. What a little ham. God, I love her.
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She is TWO. In some ways, not typical. In other ways, spot-on two year old.
She came to us not long before Mother's Day in 2012, and changed our world forever. I mean, she had changed it before she even got here, already working on teaching us big huge important life lessons. And I felt like her protective mother bear the minute I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test - she was so real to me even then. But her actual arrival, her delivery, her laying on my chest for just a few seconds, hardly breathing but looking deep into my eyes, staring straight into my soul and making a connection that could not for anything be broken - that was a moment I will never ever forget, God willing. The moment I really became someone's mom.
My first Mother's Day I will never forget either. We hadn't been able to spend the night at the NICU - we had used up our stays so had to come home overnight. I woke up the next morning and planned to go to church with my husband, my mom, my sister and nephew. We all got ready and piled into the car and I about 60 seconds later I burst into tears. "I don't want to go to church, I want to go to the hospital and see my daughter!" I cried. "God will understand - I just can't stand for it to be 2-3 more hours before I see her! It's my first Mother's Day and I need to be with her!" We turned the car around less than a mile from home, regrouped, and headed to the hospital.
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It was the best present I had ever received.
Vallyn was (and is) the best present I have ever received.
One I didn't even know I wanted. Or needed. But I did. And I got her. And I THANK YOU GOD every single day. Even on the really hard days. One of the last things I say to her every night when I pray with her is "Thank you God for our gift of Vallyn".
This Mother's Day is very different from that first one. We are all home together. We will wake up together. She is not so fragile, attached to tubes and wires. I can grab her and tickle her and toss her in the air. She has grown so much. And I had no idea how my love for her could continue to grow from that first moment I saw her, yet it has.
Exponentially.
I am so, so very proud of her. She is so strong. So brave. So determined. So feisty. So funny. So bright. So silly. So smiley. So loving. So amazing.
She pushes through her therapy, not giving up until she is exhausted. She has learned so much sign language. She does well with puzzles. She loves books and music. She is commando crawling and pulling to stand and cruising and walking in her walker and loves to kick and kick the ball. She loves to blow kisses - to everyone. Her giggle is like music. I could never have imagined her like this two years ago. But here she is. And thank you God. For this little angel you sent down to us. And for letting me be her mom. And trusting me to take care of her, even when it's crazy busy or spazzy or just plain not the best I could do. Thank you for letting me have the honor of being her mom.
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And thank you for our little guy who we will meet very soon, for making me a mom times two. I don't know what I did to deserve it. I pray I can do it. Do it right, and well. Do your work in these children. For these children. I thank you for the opportunity. Because I continue to remain expectant. And expecting!!!
James 1:17 - Every good and perfect gift is from above...
