Reflections...

As I sit in our family's house in the mountains, it is impossible not to reflect on the last year.  We were up here for Christmas in 2011 when I drove down to take the blood test to find out if Vallyn had Down Syndrome.  And we were still up here when I got the phone call letting me know the test was positive.  We fretted and worried about whether or not we would be able to come up here with Vallyn on oxygen, if she would be strong enough.  We came up here for longer and longer periods of time to test how her lungs and heart would do.  We were able to introduce her to so many who matter so much to us up here.  And we are ending our year up here much as we did back in 2011 - with a marathon of The Walking Dead and playing games.  But there is one big difference.

This year, Vallyn is with us.  Not in my belly.  Out here, with us.  Where we can hold her. 

2012 brought a lot for our little family of three to handle.  A Down Syndrome diagnosis.  A troublesome fetal echocardiogram.  A lot more echocardiograms and non stress tests.  A birth and a newborn whisked straight into the NICU and given assistance breathing.  A heart surgery.  A little one swallowing her milk into her lungs.  An appendectomy.  Two bouts of mastitis.  Skin biopsies.  A 40th birthday.  A scare about a possible pacemaker.  More diagnostic tests and two procedures under anesthesia.  A knee surgery.  Lots of tears and fears sprinkled liberally throughout the year.  And countless other bumps in the road.

However, it has also brought us new friends.  Lots of new knowledge - about ourselves, Down Syndrome, and medical stuff in general.  A deeper and more open and transparent and honest relationship between myself and my husband, as well as many friends and family members.  A newfound appreciation for our insurance plan (amen!).  A realization of just how truly blessed we actually are.  A greater awareness of my relationship with God.  A strength I didn't know I had within myself.  More tears of joy than I ever imagined I'd be lucky enough to cry.  And best of all, an amazing, strong, happy, radiant, precious, beautiful baby girl - Vallyn Grace.

When we drove up to the mountains late Saturday night, as we came into town I saw a huge cross lit up atop the mountain across the valley.  I said "Jason - look at that!" and he said "Oh, it was there last Christmas too.".  I didn't remember it being there.  And as we got out of the car, I noticed that it was still visible at the house, up in the sky, shining brightly.

And it hit me.

Just like that cross, God has been here.  Watching over us.  This whole past year.  Always.

Even if I didn't feel Him with me.  Or see Him.  Or even look for Him.

When things were wonderful, and when things were hard.

When I was surrounded by love, and when I felt so so alone.

In prayers answered, and in prayers gone unanswered.

He was there. 

And I see that this past year has been chock full of miracles.  Some were quiet and itty bitty and I had to look really hard to know they were there.  Some were loud and in my face and brought me to my knees with gratitude and humility.  And others were things that didn't seem like anything resembling a miracle, but given time, that's exactly what they turned out to be.

I don't know what we ever did to receive all of these blessings.  But I am so incredibly thankful for each and every one.

So is there a big difference between this new year's eve and the last?  Oh yes.  The sense of worry and sadness that permeated New Year's Eve last year is replaced with one of love, anticipation and expectation.  Who knows what 2013 will bring?  No matter what, there will be change.  And there are sure to be plenty of both happy and sad tears.  And it will probably be pretty far from boring.

So this isn't really the end of anything.

It's only the beginning...